Vacuuming the house is a gut punch.
I just finished vacuuming my house. As I emptied the canister for the 4th time I cursed at my dog. She has INCREDIBLY thick fur and a very dense undercoat that sheds year-round and gets everywhere. Then, I turned the vacuum over and saw my own damage. Because I have long hair, it doesn’t get past the brush like Penelope’s (the ball of fluff on legs). There was so much of my hair wrapped around the brush, I had to get a knife to cut through it all to remove it. It was not a fun experience. It’s one thing to see more and more of your scalp every day, it’s another to sit there holding what used to be. So. Much. Hair. Now gone.
Hats don’t cover it.
I’ve never worn hats (aside from baseball caps) before so this is actually a fun new accessory for me. I have a few new ones that I love, they’re really cute and I get lots of compliments on them. However, it’s very obvious that I have no hair under it. Hats have become an absolute necessity, though, as the sun can be pretty damn powerful…
Sunburn.
Here’s one I wasn’t prepared for but should have been. The scalp burns so easily it’s almost a joke. For someone like me, who gets sunburned during fire drills or eating my lunch outside (no, really), I should have been more aware. However, my scalp burns in half the time! I sat outside without my hat for ten minutes a few weeks ago and it was not a fun time.
Dermatologists can be awful people.
The only people I’ve met who have been rude and dismissive to my face regarding alopecia have been dermatologists. The people who are supposed to actually help have been the biggest assholes I’ve encountered. I was told it’s not a big deal, there’s not really anything they can do, and my personal favorite “yeah, I’m not really worried about it.” Are you KIDDING me?! That’s great and all, but I am worried about it! This is my hair, this is my life that’s changing, this is my identity… So nice to know you’re not worried.
Now, this isn’t to say that all are this way. I found a really nice woman in Houston an a guy up here in Washington who were kind, offered suggestions, and went out of their way to deal with my insurance company.
Steroid injections directly into your scalp. Hundreds of them.
Upon finding a dermatologist who cared, and after doing my own extensive research, I started the go-to alopecia areata treatment: steroid injections into the scalp. Alopecia is an autoimmune disorder where my body’s immune system decides that my hair follicles are a foreign invader that must be attacked. The injections are supposed to locally quiet down my immune system and give my hair folicles a chance to recover and start growing hair again.
In an average session I would receive anywhere between 40 and 70 individual injections directly into my scalp. Because of the location (right over bone and next to my ear) I could hear every single injection as it crunched through my layers of skin. If that sounds gross, it’s because it kind of is. However, that is what I chose to focus on rather than the pain aspect. I had several nurses tell me they were impressed I didn’t even flinch and that grown men have actually yelled and/or cried. I think pain is a mental game… I found a place and a distraction and that’s where I went. I’m not saying they didn’t hurt like hell at times, but I found a way to get through it. Every 3 weeks.
Eventually, the area that required treatment grew to be too large for injections anymore.
Shampooing is weird…
I still operate on auto-pilot while showering. Wet hair, squeeze shampoo into hand, rub hands together, apply to head. With half my head being bald now, this equates to me slapping a big bald area with gooey, cold shampoo. It’s kind of funny, really. Then comes the lathering up. Turns out, when you don’t have hair on half your head, a crap ton more soap gets into your eyes! Well, just my right eye. For some reason, I also find this mental image pretty comical. Just a gooey, half-bald, soapy mess. And don’t even get me started on the amount of hair that sticks to absolutely everything! I know most females will understand how annoying it is to shed in the shower, now imagine that being 100 times worse. It’s everywhere! My poor drain.
When you blush, your whole damn bald head blushes, too.
This is self-explanatory and in hindsight, an obvious occurrence, but I had never even thought about it! I have a tendency to turn red relatively easily. When I exercise, laugh, get upset, or am embarrassed, my face lights up. I learned recently, while not wearing a hat for one day at work, that my entire scalp turns this same shade of fuchsia! Luckily, I work with assholes (I mean that in an endearing way, they’re great guys!) and they pointed it out, which made me laugh more, which only brightened the response! I’ve always been bad about hiding my facial expressions and how I feel regarding anything, but now it’s even worse! I chose to embrace it, it is entertaining sometimes!
Half my medicine cabinet is creams, topical steroids, and hair growth supplements.
In addition to the injections, I have been prescribed a plethora of other treatments. From steroid ointments to irritating creams to supplements, I’ve got it all. None of them worked. I’m throwing them away. They’re expensive and a load of crap.
“Friends” can be surprisingly cruel and strangers can be surprisingly kind.
Recently, I learned that a person I work directly with every day made a snide comment regarding my current hair loss situation while I wasn’t in a meeting room. Luckily, I have some genuine friends who immediately came to my defense and shut this kid down.
But on the other hand, I’ve met so many kind strangers. Actually, everyone I’ve met while out and about has been amazing, curious, and supportive!
“Embracing” it doesn’t mean you have to be happy all the time. It also doesn’t mean you aren’t entitled to bad days and anxiety.
This is the most important to keep in mind. Deciding to embrace what you can not control is not easy. I wish every day that I had my hair back, however, that’s not going to change the situation. I do what I can with what I have and acknowledge myself when I’m not feeling up to being outgoing or in public at all.
Think Pretty, Beautiful 